This is the month i dread the most... because in this month i hit rock bottom mentally... don't know why... I get depressed and feel low.. but maybe its just psychological that i blame this month... i have to really dig deep to know the real reason.. but the outer cribbing remains the same... and.. i cant believe that coming October i will be completing my five years of being single!

While most of my friends enjoy dating, i dont know why... yet again... that i remained single all this while... yes i did see a few people... but i knew it was not long before i smiled and said 'i am busy'. This is kinda eating me out. While my ex enjoys a lovely life with her guy, i am still to come terms with the brutality. And it took me an immense one day hard thinking to break away the game "i am so bad' and 'ah it was actually just a lie' i got entangled in... poor Anu.. well. I could not accept the fact that even she found someone eventually.

Phuggu... ah. While i am trying my best to convince myself that she is a bitch and stay away from her, in reality, i cant blame her for anything. She is just managing her life. There was a time when i could have said yes to her. But its a long story with point of no return. As i had said before... i dont really know where she lives and what she does. I occasionally send her venomous messages... just to put her down so that i feel better about myself. Now hasnt it been always like that with men generally?

On other thoughts, i wonder why Anu would choose a man like that. What ever kind he may be, there are things like you can tell. Then i look back and feel why would my ex choose a guy like that. There are websites that claim a lot about women and what they like in men, but i beg to differ. Why intelligent women choose bafoons?

Take an example. Why would anu choose a man who almost never reacted to her tantrums or easily put up with her nonsense? or why would my ex go for a guy who in my view is not really close to her intelligence? This might be a vague theory, but they did because they want to be in control.

In my case, it would have been difficult for my ex to not get a fitting reply back. Rather, it was not easy to fool around... the pretext to choose the other guy might have been vague... like "he is so religious" and "he goes to church every sunday" or "he makes me feel connected to god"...
but the truth was the guy can be checked and predicted. Only if she lived in a certain way that would not bother him, she could get away with much bigger things in secrecy... or do things that do not really make him interfere due to his intellectual level...

well.. just a theory.. and on longer run... each woman will find a way out of it... probably a reason to put the blame on.. "you are so suspicious" or "you are so possessive" or "you wont really understand me ever..." or "its because of you.." well...

on the other hand, i would also not like a super intelligent woman beside me. When i mean intelligent, i really mean a smart woman who can see through. I would rather prefer a soft smiling girl with big eyes, who would rather lovingly snuggle or cry than ask me about that long chat i had with someone whole night... i would feel safe to venture out and experiment without much element of being caught.. and at the same time not screw my commitment or married life...

this might be the case too with a friend of mine, who married a typical vernacular girl... who was loyal type, religious and spoke little English... after marriage, she discovered that he still had multiple affairs... but was too meek to rebel... either he had to play smart and not get caught or end up divorcing her... but the fact that he got to play... because he knew she was relatively safer... is the point.

Maybe that is why smart females always pair up with dumb guys and vice versa. In the end its about freedom. And about who gets to dictate the rules.

Whatever, I hope i find a good partner soon. In all cases, i am tired of being single this long. And i hope this month ends soon.

Good night..

Bg / rajsm..